My friends, they love my intelligence
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So squirting runs in the family.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
