Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There's always time for handjobs
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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