I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
