everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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