you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We are two peas in an std pod
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
