i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
