2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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