So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
