I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I woke up under a house in Key West
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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