I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
