i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
