Fuck appropriateness.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
