am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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