walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
