I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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