Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Ketchup is God's man juice
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
