I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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