i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
