I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I stole a fireplace last night.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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