sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just high enough for therapy.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
