so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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