I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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