i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
