I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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