I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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