she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
