Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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