my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Found your dick twin last night
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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