dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
