hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
