Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
