Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
