I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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