that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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