someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
