U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
