sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There's always time for handjobs
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
