Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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