just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
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He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
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Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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