Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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