life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
