Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize