My sheets look like a crime scene.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
