Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
