Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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