just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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