she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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