i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
