You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
