i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
