I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Ketchup is God's man juice
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
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I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
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Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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