Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
