ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
MIDGETS
????
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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