my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
