i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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