apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
