i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
