if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
