Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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