Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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