You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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